Don’t Let Anyone Tell You How to Vote (for Pizza)

Hey, it’s so good to see you.  I’m so glad that the nine of us could finally get together.  We never seem to be able to find the time, but now that we’re here I have no doubt that this will turn into another epic party.  But here’s the thing: we’ve really got to figure out what kind of pizza we’re going to order.  We know we want to get one of those LargeHugeTM pizzas over at Slorpy’s, which should feed all of us, so we’re only going to order one single pie.

Odd that we’ve found ourselves in such a specific predicament, but there it is. Nothing a little democracy can’t solve.

I’ve asked around, and it looks like we’ve got 4 votes for the MeatGuzzlerTM, 3 votes for a plain cheese, 1 vote for the BrocclinatorTM, and then whatever you want to vote for. Which pizza do you want?

The BrocclinatorTM huh?  Ok, I figured as much, given that you’re a vegetarian. I’ll let the others know . . .

What’s that?  You were only thinking of voting for the BrocclinatorTM?  Why not just decide already?  Don’t tell me you’ve been listening to Chad. His idea that you and the other vegetarian should compromise around the cheese pizza is total bullshit. Yeah, of course, he’s right that if you and the other BrocclinatorTM supporter voted for the cheese pizza, you’d have 5 votes and would end up with a pizza you could eat.  But let me tell you about Chad: he just wants to perpetuate a corrupt system, no better than folks blindly voting for the MeatGuzzlerTM because they saw it on TV once.

How do I know he has ulterior motives? He’s asking you to compromise your principles! Voting isn’t a horserace, it’s about picking the thing you want the most without getting drowned in the political calculus. You can’t think about what other people want, you have to think about what YOU want.  THAT is what democracy is about.


You know what you should do?  You should make your case for tossed salads from Leaf Barn.  I know you, and I know just how much you prefer those to pizza in the first place.  I bet if you really stood behind something you really believed in, you’d be able to garner enough support to actually win this vote!  You and Chad, that’s your problem, you guys don’t try hard enough to get what you really want.

What’s that?  What kind of pizza do I want?  I don’t think that’s important.  You’re too suspicious. Everybody knows that compromising like that is a moral failing.  Is that who you want to be?  Ugh, look, vote how you want; but we all know that democracy isn’t about making a decision with a group by compromising, it’s about you!  You, individually!  This is your chance to tell people who you are.  Don’t waste it.